Miley Cyrus doesn’t believe in “Twilight”

Miss Tween Idol, the Ambassador of Kiddie Cool, Hannah frickin’ Montana herself, does not like “Twilight.” In case you don’t get what that means, basically the princess of pop culture just turned around and flicked off the king and queen.

Cyrus, currently on her tweenage domination tour, was asked in a backstage interview the simple question: “Team Edward or Team Jacob?” Her response was as follows:

“I’ve never seen [Twilight], nor will I. I don’t believe in it. I don’t like vampires, I don’t like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I’m watching TV at night, I don’t want anything to do with it.”

Damn. So not only can Miley Cyrus not make up her mind between Rob Pattinson and Taylor Lautner, she is actually denying the series’ existence, like it’s Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy. And to top it all off, she hates vampires. Hate.

So when Miley’s singing about her “Party in the U.S.A.,” she’s inviting everybody in the country except the citizens of Forks, Oregon; When she says she has “the best of both worlds,” it’s no longer possible that one of the worlds she’s referring to is the supernatural plane; As for all the children who recently wore vampire costumes trick-or-treating and hoped by going to the Cyrus estate that they’d score a huge candy bar, I feel terrible for you.

This is a PR nightmare. You just can’t have Miley Cyrus saying “Twlight” is dumb or pointless let alone that it doesn’t even exist. This is like if Oprah were to go on air and say, “you know what, I hate TV hospital dramas. In fact, I don’t believe that TV hospital dramas even exist.” Suddenly, middle-aged women would be devastated. They’d have to cancel their scheduled DVR recordings of “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Private Practice.” ABC would go down in flames. Similarly, all of Miley’s fans are going to wonder if they should go see “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” at 7:30 p.m. on Friday night with their eight other friends like they’d been talking about in home ec since last weekend. Summit Entertainment is probably flipping out right now. Imagine if they were owned by Disney? You can’t afford to not have the endorsement of your target audience’s other favorite pop culture obsession.

I mean, what are 9-to-15-year-old girls supposed to believe now? That age group needs one cohesive message for everything, like “wait until you’re married and in love to have sex,” “marijuana leads to harder drugs” and “vampires are cool.” Mixed messages incite angst and rebellious attitudes. This is why things like “don’t have sex, but if you do use protection” and “vampires are cool but I don’t believe in ‘Twilight’” are ineffective.

Then of course there’s one other possibility: Miley Cyrus is a werewolf. That would explain her hate of vampires, her obvious downplay and poor use of language when mentioning the (ordinary) wolf popping out of the TV screen as well as why she stays inside and watches television at night instead of, say, taking walks through the forest.

What are the implications of this, you ask? When this generation dominates the workforce, we are clearly headed for an all-out war between werewolves and vampires. That, or a more immediate pop-culture message board/Twitter/Facebook cyber war where teenagers flame each other over the web with disturbing abbreviations and nicknames and incorrect grammar. Either way, bad news.