10 Movies NOT to Watch on Valentine’s Day

My first thought as Valentine’s Day was approaching would be to rank romance films or something like that, but screw romance. That’s boring. So I decided to change things up a bit and choose a number of films that from my own watching experience or just what I’ve heard about them, would be an awful movie to watch on Valentine’s Day, especially if you’re looking for a good movie for you and that special someone.

So this is just a fun post, unless you’re an idiot, in which case this would actually be a helpful guide of movies not to say “hey honey, let’s watch this” about  when perusing Netflix, On Demand, Blockbuster or your DVD collection. This time they’re not in any particular order.

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American Psycho (2000)

Horrible intimate Valentine’s Day date idea #1: Put on the greatest hits of Huey Lewis and the News for you and your lady to dance to after dinner and then sit down and watch American Psycho because Christian Bale is in it and you both like him. Fewer things are less romantic than egotistical sexual maniac/serial killer Patrick Bateman and his carefully planned blood-splattering murders and self-recorded sex tapes (usually in the other order — it’s not that bad). I just can’t think of anything that would ruin the mood for a woman and make her hate the idea of being intimate with you more than watching this movie.

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Enough (2002)

Bad themes for Valentine’s Day movie-watching would have to include domestic abuse. Some movies include it, such as Waitress with Keri Russell, only the movie becomes a good romance despite some bad scenes. In Enough, it just happens to be the driving force of the entire movie. Jennifer Lopez runs away from her abusive husband, who chases her down and then she dads she’s no longer going to run away, she’s going to try and kill him. Haven’t seen this movie, but I don’t think it would be therapeutic for you if your Valentine and you have been fighting lately.

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Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966)

Thinking about brushing up on your classics this Valentine’s Day because your date likes those classy old flicks? Just search for Cary Grant movies — you shouldn’t so much as stumble upon this one. Edward Albee’s play turned into a fairly revolutionary film is the worst older movie you could possibly watch on Valentine’s Day. Back in the 1960s, couples fighting with each other or getting divorced was practically unspeakable, but that’s the whole premise of this movie: a couple invites another couple over for drinks and a nice evening which turns into a verbal battlefront after long. And it doesn’t have a happy ending.

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Revolutionary Road (2008)

I can hear the scenario. “Hey honey, this one has Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in it for the first time since Titanic.” Sound the alarm. This is your modern day Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? After about five minutes, Kate and Leo get in a fight and then they’re off to the races. Paramount doesn’t want you to know that … you can’t find a picture of them screaming on the Internet so I’ve included nothing here. We’re talking nearly two hours of just yelling, followed by more yelling, followed by ignoring of the more yelling that needs to be done, followed by tragedy. If you’re recently married, you might even finish this movie thinking you know, maybe we shouldn’t have kids …

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Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (2006)

Don’t be confused by all the rose pedals. Here’s the story of a man with an acute sense of smell which is particularly fond of the scent of women. In wanting desperately to bottle or capture their scent, he becomes obsessive — murderously obsessive. I suppose this could make your list if that kind of thing gets you and your partner going, so maybe I’m wrong in putting this on my list, but I’m going to say most normal people would be a bit turned off after this one.

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Schindler’s List (1993)

Don’t make me explain this one to you. If there’s ever a holiday not to watch a Holocaust movie on, it’s this one. Pick the other 364 days of the year and you could find a reason to justify it, but not on Valentine’s Day. I mean, the 4th of July would be better than Valentine’s Day. And it’s not only the content. I think we could all find better things to do than spend three hours getting depressed on Valentine’s Day. Watch it late enough and you’ll both be asleep and then you’ll feel guilty that you passed out watching Schindler’s List.

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Swimfan (2002)

Here’s another bad motif for you on Valentine’s Day: stalkers. I never saw this movie, but I imagine from what I remember of the trailer in high school that it can’t be a very romantic one. Between this and Wicker Park starring Josh Hartnett, the stalker flick might have that creepy eroticism to it but in the end I think that makes it a bit more awkward between lovers. This movie is about a girl that creeps on a champion high school swimmer who already has a girlfriend and seduces him, which leads to cover-ups, scandals, lying and murder. Awesome. And by awesome I mean awful. I shouldn’t have to use Valentine’s Day as proof for you not to watch this movie.

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Requiem for a Dream (2000)

Another film where I shouldn’t have to explain myself. Nothing will kill the mood more than watching Requiem for a Dream. This is one of few movies where the drug use is so bad that it just twists your insides in all the wrong ways. Plus you and your lover will have to have an obligatory conversation about anal sex, which is one that I think most of us would want to avoid.

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The English Patient (1996)

Here’s another idea I’m going to nix: getting in the mood for Oscars by watching a Best Picture-winning romance on Valentine’s Day. Back away from this movie. My mother goes through romance novels like a box of chocolates and she has warned me that I don’t need to watch this movie on my quest to — among other things — see all the Best Picture films at some juncture. But really, what could be worse than watching a 160-minute tearjerker about a burned man telling his love story with a tragic ending. You (or your girlfriend) will either end up asleep or crying until all you/she want(s) to do is sleep. Avoid anything more than 90 minutes that will involve crying. Sad romances are not for Valentine’s Day.

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Star Wars (1977)

Don’t give me that look. We guys all know how this one ends — and if you don’t, listen up. Valentine’s Day is not when you decide that your girlfriend, who has apathetically admitted to not having seen the original three Star Wars movies, needs to sit down and watch A New Hope. This experiment always ends in failure. You sit down and watch and when the movie’s over, your girlfriend says “yea, it was … pretty good” and then you question her and find out she’s lying so that the truth doesn’t hit you like a load of bricks: Your girlfriend thinks Star Wars is just okay  — or worse — bad. No one goes to bed happy that night. Horrible V-Day movie. Well, not “V” for Victory Day movie … Star Wars would actually be an awesome movie for that. And don’t forget “New Hope” is when Luke is still into his sister … yeah …